I have no idea what my day brings and that is just as scary as it sounds. But I am finally giving myself a chance to explore and express my creativity. Now my wallet may be empty, but my heart is full.
​I started to scan my surroundings looking for an immediate response, but nothing came to mind. What do I want? What do I want?
What do I WANT?
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A surge of images flooded my mind. All at once, I recalled times when I had felt joyous, exhilarated, alive - all memories of a distant past. Me on stage in a dark, musty bar in Chicago's Ukrainian Village, singing in another bar with a cover band on the Northside, dancing the night away with my friends at some minimal DJ party in Fulton Market (before it became fancy.) And then it hit me. I knew exactly what I wanted.
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"I want to sing the whole night, dance till our feet are all blistered, laugh till our bellies hurt, and eat some good food." "Done," she said.
And that's exactly what we did. My 30th birthday is one of the best days of my life, and I will never forget it. But after the post-celebration haze cleared, I started to ask myself the hard questions. How did I get here? Why did I stop creating? When did I stop having fun? Why didn’t I pursue what I wanted and was content with everyone else’s hand-me-down dreams instead?
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​A few years later, after numerous tower moments, tearing everything down and rebuilding from sub-zero, I am happily divorced, finally back to myself, and honestly - living my best life in sunny, magical LA. I have no idea what my day brings and that is just as scary as it sounds. But I am finally giving myself a chance to explore and express my creativity. Now my wallet may be empty, but my heart is full.
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One of my favorite college professors, Dr. Heidi Nast, whom I've always adored, told me once: "You know, you should consider writing, you're good at it!" I guess the words come as you unravel the pain. I have a brand new set of scars, but I’ve discovered I’m a master in the art of Kintsugi.
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So - this is my new playground. It's my game where I can make mistakes and sometimes even make up the rules as I go. I hope you find something for yourself as you explore these pages. But if not, I hope you'll at least be inspired to give yourself permission to follow your calling and see yourself in a different light. You might be surprised by what you'll find. But it's all you.
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Ruxandra
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