It all started to change right around my 30th birthday
(l later learned of Saturn's unforgiving return.) Not in its manifestation yet, but there was definitely something brewing in me.
I was basically rich. And completely empty.
I knew what my days looked like. Wake up. Rush to get ready. Get to the office. Work till after hours. Get home. Open a bottle of wine. Decompress for 90 minutes by numbingly getting imbued in grape juice while watching mindless stuff on my phone and puffing on cigarettes like I was fueling the Orient Express.
Then cook dinner. Check my inbox again. Get frustrated by some "urgent" email. Start to feel anxious by a client demanding something ASAP. By 9 PM, I'd feel wired again, thinking about tomorrow’s meetings, how to respond to Sheryl’s passive-aggressive email, and strategizing about my response to the client while taking large slurps of wine - is it too late to reply at 10 pm or does it show commitment?
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It all started to change right around my 30th birthday (l later learned of Saturn's unforgiving return.) Not in manifested form yet, but there was definitely something brewing within me. My good friend helping me plan had asked what I wanted to do for that day. I had started to feel the hollowness of my own inner being for some time now but couldn't quite put my finger on it. I felt like a vacant shell; like a deserted room that’s been abandoned for a long time, but the last inhabitant forgot to turn off the lights. My life looked perfect on paper, so I couldn't explain why I felt so unsatisfied.
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I shot my eyes in her direction for half a second and replied quickly "I don't know." But she kept prompting me for an answer. "If you were to design the day, like really think about EVERYTHING you'd want to do on your birthday - what would that look like?"
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